Log in

No account? Create an account
21 March 2021 @ 12:00 pm
If you do not know me, you should be warned about something, so please read on before you comment on my LJ.

BackgroundCollapse )

Please, do not give me unsolicited advice on how I can stay awake. I don't care if you "had the best of intentions" or "were just trying to help." You've just hurt me worse than you can understand (seriously, go get a knife and stab me somewhere non-vital instead - it'll hurt less and I'll forgive you faster), you've made me uncontrollably angry, and I will never again think of you as a friend. You have been warned.

Note:Collapse )

Thank you for listening.
25 May 2011 @ 09:52 am
In two months, I will be housemateless.
Unless, of course, someone reading this is interested in living with me.
I am currently living in Waltham, MA, in Gardencrest Apartments,
In a two bedroom, three floor townhouse apartment.

Rent would be about $1,660/month total, including heat but not electricity or internet.
I would be okay splitting it $930/$730 or something if that's more enticing,
Provided I could have the slightly larger bedroom or something,
But all that's negotiable.
Also, I'm only home during the evening, and only half the time,
And rarely on the weekends.

Really, I'd just prefer not to move,
But haven't really found anyone who seems interested yet.

My current lease is up around the end of July,
But that could probably be finagled some.

If anyone is interested in living with me, please let me know asap.
I only have a short time before I need to let them know if I'm staying.

And, if I wind up not able to stay in my current apartment,
I'm almost definitely moving to live by myself in Randolph.
If I'm moving, I might as well move as close to my job as possible.
So, I am not really looking for offers of other places to live at this time
(Unless they happen to be in Randolph, Canton, or Milton).
17 February 2011 @ 02:09 pm
Doctor: "From what you've said and what I've read in your chart, I honestly can't see how you've been able to function at *all.* I can only surmise that you've been functioning by sheer force of will for, well, your whole life."

The Lyme specialist says that, while I did definitely have Lyme in September/October/November, I'm clearly cured of the actual organism itself. However, the symptoms are lingering, which is common because most of the symptoms of Lyme are expressions of physical damage to your system that the Lyme caused. In some patients, these get better over time as the body heals the damage. Some patients, however, cannot heal the damage and suffer the symptoms their whole life. Others (those with fibermialgia(sp) get worse over time as the damage worsens on its own.

In any case, meds that fight off the organism are incapable of helping at this point since there's no organism to fight off. There aren't meds to help heal the damage, though there are meds that keep it from getting worse if you suffer from fibermialgia.

In my case, the doctor thinks that I'm young, the disease was caught early, and I should be able to recover. But, because I don't sleep well or often, I don't eat well or often, I am significantly stressed all the time, I have significant social anxiety and paranoia, and I have an abysmal self-image and hate myself, my body hasn't been able to heal. Also, he says that I've clearly been acting energetic despite getting ~3 hours of sleep a night (and poor sleep at that) by willpower alone, and that the Lyme seems to have drained my reserves entirely. By continuing to not sleep, I'm not allowing those reserves to replenish. Even though it won't help for a while, getting good sleep should help significantly in the long run.

He also says I should eliminate all factors which may not have been major when I was healthy but may be massively exacerbated by the Lyme so that I can recover from the Lyme. So, to me, this means getting new glasses (mine are smudged and scratched), sleeping ~eight hours a night, and eating dinner every night instead of only occasionally (for the record, I never miss lunch and rarely miss breakfast, just having trouble with dinner). Also, I need to think for a few days before sending any email at all (perhaps a week or two if the email will go to multiple people) so I stop saying stupid shit that causes me anxiety and self-loathing. I also need to stop both ranting about other people and ranting about myself, and to instead find out why I'm actually upset and *if* I'm actually upset. I need to stop the negative introspection, but also stop the negative things I've been doing that have been fueling the negative introspection.

Most of all, I need to stop reflecting perceived negativity. When I reflect emotion, I amplify it. I'm not the only person I know who does this, and when I do it to someone else who does it, the exponential escalation is *crazily* bad. That I reflect the world is one of the truths of me that is both negative and positive. I need to stop

Also, I may need to switch meds. These experimental meds are not helping my sleep issues, and they could be aggravating my behavioral problems. They do prevent the narcoleptic episodes, but there are other drugs that do that too. I'm just so scared of switching, and I'm frightened to death of the side effects of Ritalin which I've been told can include loss of creativity. Switching would also include necessitating medical leave from work for a month or two. Still, maybe it's worth it. Maybe another med can help me more.

On a side note, there are things I used to do that I do not do anymore, and haven't since start my meds. I stopped staring at sunsets. I stopped tutoring GED students. I stopped doing certain positive physical activities, like playing DDR, rock climbing, and doing general muscular exercises. I stopped meditating. I stopped talking to Wolf (aka conducting deep and personal introspection) entirely. I stopped smiling at the end of each beautiful day and telling my friends how much I loved them.

Sure, many things happened at the same time right then. That's when I got my narcolepsy diagnosis, went on medical leave from work which was necessitated by the start of the medical discrimination, started pills that caused suicidal thoughts, and that's when I started dating Sarah. My life changed completely, so it's no surprise my life changed completely, but the medical discrimination at work is now gone, I'm on different meds that don't make me suicidal, my narcolepsy is supposed to be under control, and things with Sarah are totally awesome. Why now are my physical and mental landscapes the worst they've ever been?

I am not looking for answers to that question. Or any question. I wanted to speak and I wanted to be heard, but I do not want to talk and I'm not sure I'm able to listen. Thank you for being my friend through all of my craziness and my nastiness.
10 February 2011 @ 01:30 pm
This article is very good: http://www.prohealth.com/library/showarticle.cfm?libid=8441

It also describes exactly what I'm experiencing.
I was infected on 9/11/2010.
I was diagnosed in mid October.
I was given a four week course of doxycyline, 100mg, 2x day.

My symptoms worsened for a few days,
Then the rash went away.
The minor joint pains went away.
The random facial tightening went away.
(It was never palsy, just minor and random,
And I kept thinking I was imagining it.)
The headaches went away.
The fatigue/exhaustion got better,
But it never went away.
My treatment ended in mid November.

Starting in mid January,
Just two months later,
The headaches came back.
The fatigue/exhaustion got worse,
More or less to the point it was before.
My facial muscles randomly tighten again,
But I have still never suffered palsy,
And I keep thinking I'm imagining it.

Relevant excerpts from the articleCollapse )

Seriously, this disease is absurd.
Did you know that taking the Lyme vaccine,
When you've had Lyme in the past,
Causes the disease to reactivate?

There are also over a hundred documented symptoms,
None of which are guaranteed to be present.

Also, she said the tests in December came back negative,
But the patient web gateway has my results as positive for that test.
I was assuming she was looking at different information,
But I wonder if she wasn't.
Yay for working with temp doctors while yours is away =\

Anyway, time to bug my doctor for new treatment.
It was only the initial test that came back positive,
Which might mean nothing since it is often false,
But I still never recovered from the symptoms.
I want a three month course of tetracycline.

The best part?
It looks like tetracycline doesn't interact with NuVigil,
Whereas doxycycline did.

By the way, for your amusement -
My doxycycline instructions were:

"Take twice a day twelve hours apart,
Do not lie down for at least an hour after taking a dose.
Take with a meal, but not three hours before or after eating dairy,
Do not take within two hours of taking your narcolepsy meds
(which must be taken in the morning with a meal),
And do not take within two hours of taking Prilosec
(which also should be taken with a meal,
and also can't be taken within two hours of the narcolepsy meds)."

Those were the best directions ever.

Why can't I be bit by the awesome ticks,
The ones that give radioactive powers,
And a propensity for shouting about spoons?
Current Mood: ticked
09 February 2011 @ 02:59 pm
The post that used to be here was written when I was tired and cranky.
I apologize if you read it and were one of the people involved.
It was not a fair or unbaised assessment of the situation,
And I am not actually upset at other people.
I was upset at the dramasplosion.

It is being taken care of in a mature manner.
That is all.
24 January 2011 @ 12:40 pm
Lately, when watching TV shows or movies, I can't help but analyze them for racism and sexism. I feel like sharing my observations, though I probably do sometimes see issues where there really aren't any.

Contains very minor character spoilers.Collapse )
Greetings everyone!

The WPI SFS will be hosting SFS Live Action Weekend (SLAW) this November on the weekend of the 19th to 21st on the WPI campus in scenic Worcester, MA. The event consists of a series of short (1-4 hour) theatrical live action roleplaying games of varying style, flair, and genre.

The website for this event is: http://slaw.wedgegaming.com. The game schedule is up on the site, but game signups do not open until tomorrow (Thursday, October 14th) at 7pm. Crash space can be provided if necessary - there will be a place to sign up for it on the schedule when signups open.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with theatrical live action roleplaying games, they lie somewhere on that overly specific spectrum between audience-less Improv sketches and those games of D&D where people talk more than they roll dice. In the game, you will be playing out a specific role in a specific situation, but how it plays out is entirely up to you. Before the game, you will be given a character sheet detailing the character you are playing. These often tell you things like, who you are, who you know, what you know, what you can do, and what you want to do. No acting or roleplaying experience is required or needed for these games, just an interest in having fun :) The games are all in different styles (serious, silly, bizarre, and so on) and different genres (sci-fi, fantasy, dinner party, mystery, parody, musical, and so on), and we try to make sure there's something for everyone. Costuming is encouraged but by no means required.

For those of you who ARE familiar with theatrical live action roleplaying games, uhh, there will be games! Yay!

On that note, we are (surprisingly) still possibly accepting game bids for SLAW. We should have enough games, but we may be able to fit more in. If you are really interested in running something, please send an email to nyrens@gmail.com.

If you have any questions regarding the event, please email me, and I'll do my best to answer them!

Nyren Knapp
SLAW2010 Event Coordinator
16 August 2010 @ 10:19 am
This post is an exploration of self.

Illusionary TerrainCollapse )
29 July 2010 @ 04:00 pm
Since it's clearly a canned response, I figured I'd post this for the people who are curious about DADT but didn't email their conservative Senator. I'm curious to see how he votes after the review is completed. Assuming, of course, the review doesn't conveniently find that a new, longer review is needed before a decision can be reached...

MA Senator Scott Brown, on DADTCollapse )
21 July 2010 @ 11:59 am
So, I decided to keep better track of my dreams.
I want to learn to remember them,
And I have been told the trick is to write them down,
To keep them alive as long as possible.

I had a dream last night and it lingered a bit,
Enough for me to go over it over and again in the shower,
And keep the images in place even when I made it to work.
I had to write it down, and so I did.

I fleshed it out a bit to fill in the gaps, but not too much.
All dialog was emergent, but not the characters.
Some details and a bit of the plot were emergent too,
But the majority were present in the dream.

The dream, which reads as the first chapter of a story:

Silt CityCollapse )