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25 June 2010 @ 05:02 pm
You do not make me happy.
None of you.
Rather, I am happy because you exist.
All of you.
You are amazing and wonderful,
            It’s an error to imagine that our happiness comes from anyone but ourselves.
            It is not given unto us.
            It is not forced upon us.
            It is a thing we give outwards, unto the world.
                  - Dr. Jenna Moran

Flawed and beautiful.
I am happy because I choose to be,
When I choose to be.

It is also an error to imagine that my unhappiness comes from anyone but myself.

I am miserable because I choose to be,
When I choose to be.
I hate, and I blame, and I guilt,
And these make me feel misery.
I create situations and then bemoan them.

When something goes wrong, when I am in a bad place,
My first instinct,
My first subconscious thought,
Is to find who or what to blame,
And internally blame them.
This is incorrect.

First, I blame something or someone external to myself.
Then, I blame something internal that I can externalize.
Finally, I blame myself.

None of these are useful.
None of these matter.
My troubles, my unhappiness -
It all comes from within. (*)

I have the power to fix what is wrong.

Apart from the narcolepsy,
My troubles are all things I have invented for myself.
Sure, some of the ingredients were not of my making,
But I was the one who performed the alchemy.

This does not mean I can do it easily.
This does not mean I can do it by sheer force of will.
This does not mean suddenly, everything is better.
But, this does mean that I cannot continue what I have been doing.

I cannot look externally for happiness.
I cannot look externally for scapegoats.
I cannot look externally for justification.
I cannot look externally for absolution.

I also cannot place the blame upon myself.
Beating myself up for the choices I make -
This is wrong.
It is as wrong as doing the same to another.

Owning up to the bad choices -
That is fair.
But, placing blame for the outcomes?
That is useless.

Learn and grow,
That is the right-minded mantra.

Mistakes are made.
Desired outcomes are not met.
I feel negative emotions.
I lose sight of my intent or my goal.
People act in ways I perceive as sub-ideal.

I will not accept bullshit from myself any longer.
If I am upset, I will acknowledge why I am upset.
I will not allow myself throw blame in my head,
Attempting to avoid dealing with the root cause.

I make this promise to myself -
I will exorcise my unhappiness by giving it voice,
Even if I think it will be misunderstood and upset someone.
I will say, "I am upset because this happened;
It is not what I expected or wanted."

I acknowledge that such thoughts are selfish.
But, I will make them without blame,
Indeed - as a way to avoid subconsciously placing blame.
For that is what I naturally do.
And I hate it.

I will take these things that I do,
These things that I hate that I do,
And I will remove them from my psyche,
One by one,
Until only the I that I love remains.

I promise myself that this will be the first.

The second shall be my habit of breaking my promises to myself
(Which I internally blame on external or externalized factors...)

* [I do not assert that this is true for others;
    There are many whose problems are external,
    Or whose problems were caused by something external.
    Do not think I am referring to anyone but myself]
24 June 2010 @ 12:38 pm
My last post was inconsiderate, so I deleted it.
I'm just being a neurotic, selfish ball of stress,
And I'm pushing that stress onto others without cause,
Like a space prince rolling a katamari.
(And I am not pushing this ball with love.)

I'm not dealing well right now,
With anything,
And my attempts to de-stress are backfiring.
I want to curl into a ball and stay there until I'm better,
Until I stop upsetting and guilting people for no reason,
Lashing out for no reason, and otherwise being generally unfair.

When did I get this unpleasant to hang out with?
I don't remember being like this.

I'm sorry :(
18 June 2010 @ 11:38 am
For those of you who use Buzz and want your public LJ posts to appear in Buzz,
But aren't terribly tech savvy,
Here are some overly specific steps to follow.

Detailed InstructionsCollapse )

For more tech savvy people, here are less specific steps:
1. Don't block search engines from finding your LJ.
2. Make an LJ post with a link to your Buzz profile with a rel="me" attribute.
3. Add LJ as a custom link in your Buzz profile.
4. Trigger a recrawl.
5. Add LJ to Buzz as a connected site.
17 June 2010 @ 09:17 pm
When I'm trying to unwind from my job,
And whatever retarded social engineering I have to deal with,
There are things that do not help,
For instance, playing a board game where the only strategy,
And really the only action in the game, is social engineering.
Gods, I loathe that game (Bonanza) and others like it.
Weird that it's technically a Eurogame,
Even if it plays like Ameritrash.

I really need to get to the WPI crowd's gaming nights.
Conversation is cool and all,
But I can do it with the Brandeis crowd at any time.
Gaming nights are often 80% talk and 20% gaming,
And the majority of the people appear to not like heavy games.
It's all Dominion, Bonanza, Race, Mafia (played without strategy/logic),
And so on.

This is a very crabby post.
I'm in a very crabby mood.
I was hoping to unwind from work with some gaming.
That didn't appear possible, so I'm unwinding by ranting.

Okay, I'm done.
Prince of Persia - the Sands of Time time :D
Unwinding time will help me unwind.
Or something.
Current Mood: Crabby
17 June 2010 @ 08:05 pm
If I am correct, this link will allow me to make LJ posts appear in Google Buzz.
17 June 2010 @ 01:11 pm
Okay, fine, I admit it -
I'm not "addicted to staying awake."
I'm terrified of going to sleep.
These are significantly different.
CatharsisCollapse )

I am venting.
I am not asking for advice.
Do not give me advice unsolicited.

This is not a plea for help;
This is a diary entry.
This is an act of catharsis.
As long as you do nothing,
I will love you for it.
08 June 2010 @ 10:49 am
(X-posted from Buzz)

I have a problem.
There, I admitted it.
I have a problem.

I am not joking in any way when I say this:
I am addicted to being awake.Collapse )

Oh, forgot to include something important -
The reason I started trying to stay awake as much as I could,
Sleeping didn't seem to help.
I felt equally tired no matter how much sleep I had,
And fell asleep during the day regardless,
So why bother?
Why lose my life to sleep when sleep doesn't change a thing?

But, it did matter.

Sleeping well didn't cure my narcolepsy,
But not sleeping aggravates it,
And now, my meds are trying to help,
But me not sleeping keeps them from being able to work.
27 May 2010 @ 03:26 pm
I know a *lot* of people who read this will disagree with me. I also know that I'm likely saying things here that, upon further analysis, are provably objectively incorrect. This is a rant essay, a ranssay, if you will. Feel free to post disagreeing comments, but please be civil?

EDIT: Wow, this became a _lot_ longer than I expected it to. Whee!

Politics.Collapse )

I will end this here, ranting out of my system, and nothing more to say besides the refrain of "I don't know."
Current Mood: contemplative
22 May 2010 @ 12:19 pm
Does anyone else find the following email I received immensely offensive and elitist? I will certainly never use OkCupid again:


We are very pleased to report that you are in the top half of OkCupid's most attractive users. The scales recently tipped in your favor, and we thought you'd like to know.

How can we say this with confidence? We've tracked click-thrus on your photo and analyzed other people's reactions to you in QuickMatch and Quiver.

. . .
Your new elite status comes with one important privilege:

You will now see more attractive people in your match results.

This new status won't affect your actual match percentages, which are still based purely on your answers and desired match's answers. But the people we recommend will be more attractive. Also! You'll be shown to more attractive people in their match results.

. . .
Suddenly, the world is your oyster. Login now and reap the rewards. And, no, we didn't just send this email to everyone on OkCupid. Go ask an ugly friend and see.
Current Mood: annoyed
06 May 2010 @ 07:57 pm
Hrm. I stopped posting in this when Buzz came out. I should link the two and post my essays here. For now, I'll just x-post.

The following is a bit of an essay regarding Hitherby Dragons. If you do not care to read it, don't. I'm well aware that I'm a bit too obsessed with this work of literature, but it _resonates_ with me so soundly, it feels, at times, the platonic ideal of my philosophy is speaking to me through the work. Note, the below contains spoilers for Hitherby Dragons up through October 19th, 2006 (Kevin, catch up already so we can talk about it again!).

If you don't know what the heck I'm talking about (I guess because you've never spoken with me ever?), start here: http://imago.hitherby.com/?m=200309 (and browse by month, the next/prev buttons, along with most of the site, is currently broken). It starts making sense around entry 148.

Short essay regarding answers to sufferingCollapse )

All of this, of course, is my interpretation of Dr. Moran's work. My current one. I have had others, and I will have others again later. For now, o my loves, remember that Dharma moves.
Current Mood: contemplative