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16 August 2010 @ 10:19 am
Illusionary Terrain  
This post is an exploration of self.

I have been submerged in feelings of self-loathing these past few months,
Nearly enough to drown in.
Most of my closer friends are aware of this,
But I doubt any know the reason.
So, I thought I would share that hidden truth,
That secret shrouded in silence,
(Very loud silence, because this is me).

To be very accurate and very misleading,
The short of it is, I hate myself for having things I do not deserve.
I am not referring to anything positive -
I am referring to every unfounded negative emotion I have dwelt upon.

I have been feeling very real feelings lately -
Guilt, misery, fear, helplessness.
I have been feeling discriminated against,
And I have felt as if most people despised me.

I became more irritable and more frustrated,
More angry and more confrontational,
The more and more I dwelt upon those feelings,
And I spoke when I shouldn't and acted when I shouldn't.

My reactions to those feelings I felt were fair in my eyes,
They all followed pretty directly from what I felt.
But, what about the feelings themselves?
Why was I so miserable and guilty?

I could come up with reasons.
It is easy to come up with reasons.
I could list them for hours - days.
It is easy to lie when you lie to yourself.

It's the meds or the insomnia they're causing.
No, wait, it's the narcolepsy.
No, wait, it's because I'm a failure.
No, wait, it's because I'm a bad person.

The real reason?
There is no reason.
The feelings are inventions of a mind determined to feel miserable.
I wanted to be unhappy because I felt that I deserved it for some reason.

And so, I did.

It's easy to find reasons to be unhappy,
Especially when surrounded by reasons not to be.

Spoken prophecies will fulfill themselves;
That is how they work.
What you look for, you will find, and find everywhere -
In every flower, on every face, and on every lip.

What I hate myself for is feeling those things without cause,
For making a mountain out of every molehill,
For creating drama where there is none,
For being miserable in the face of joy.

I hate that my life is wonderful, and I am unhappy,
Not without cause - for causes that have no substance save what I invent.
I hate that I can't just be happy - I need instead to make reasons not to be.
I hate that I complain and whine and argue and fight.
I hate that I scream injustice, poison wells, and burn bridges,
For no reason that holds any weight or heft.

This is why I could not sleep alone,
Or rather, why I could sleep so easy while touching another.
The illusions I have created, made to fool my eyes and no others,
Like all illusions, they are real only as long as you can't see them as illusions.

Illusions are fragile things.
Pass your hand through a mirage, and it vanishes.
Touch an oddly shaped tree branch, and it ceases to be a monster at the window.
Open your closet door, and there are no ghosts inside.

When I touch someone else,
Someone who has chosen to be my friend,
Someone who welcomes such contact,
The illusion that I am miserable cannot hold weight or heft.

I cannot force myself to be unhappy when proof that I am not is right there.

I am fixing things.
I am fixing myself.
I am not allowing myself to create feelings I do not deserve any longer.
I am examining what I feel when I feel it and figuring out why I feel it.

I am sorry that I've been so unpleasant lately.
There is no excuse for my behavior,
And I will not create one.

I do not hate myself for it,
But I will move forward from here.

Thank you for your patience.
The Blue Fairylilitusama on August 16th, 2010 03:56 pm (UTC)
I have been going through this too. I hate it.
Fabrissefabrisse on August 16th, 2010 05:20 pm (UTC)
You're getting the outlines of how to cope with this terrible trick of the mind about a decade before I did in my life journey. It's hard, but it's good to understand this.

Bless you for sharing.
It's Just Meits_just_me on August 16th, 2010 07:40 pm (UTC)
Ya know, if we got together yesterday there would have a a jolt of negative energy enough to power down Boston.
Nyrennyren on August 16th, 2010 09:07 pm (UTC)
Oh, I should have dated that post properly - I started that post almost a week ago, but got distracted and never finished it. Figured I should finish it today. There was no negative energy coming from here yesterday - only love and hugs.
Nikki: goth Alicefreetobeme18 on August 17th, 2010 01:19 am (UTC)

If you feel the need to not be alone, you are always welcome to come to our apartment, even quasi-spontaneously (by which I mean, give us a call on our landline (which is listed in my Facebook profile) or somebody's or a few people's cells first as you are about to head out, just to ensure that somebody is both home and available to take visitors.)

Though that said, most of the time, at least one person is.

I can't speak for my housemates, but I know for myself that, even if I were occupied, I would usually be willing to set things aside for a friend in need of company or support. And as for things like cleaning, well, chores are more fun with company anyway. ;-)

You know where we live, or at least I think you do, since you have been here before. We are in Porter Square, the exact address again on my Facebook profile and I believe Holly's too if you need it. Just keep this in mind. We'd love to have you.

*hugs again*
Nyrennyren on August 17th, 2010 02:45 am (UTC)
Sarah and I were actually there while waiting for Holly on Saturday. We knocked, but no one was home ^^;
Nikki: Bostonfreetobeme18 on August 21st, 2010 12:24 am (UTC)
The most likely explanation for this is actually that we couldn't hear you knock. ;-) We are on the 2nd floor and the door is on the 1st. Knocking *rarely* works. Neither does the doorbell for that matter. It is quite soft and can only really be heard from the kitchen, *if* nobody is watching TV or listening to music at the time. We've asked our landlord to give it a looksie, maybe replace it with a louder one. In the meantime, I would suggest giving one of us and/or our landline a call. Sorry, we really should make a sign or something. ;-)
Nyrennyren on August 21st, 2010 12:03 pm (UTC)
Good to know in the future :)